The Intruding Angel

Rewarding and yet disgusting at the same time: my job description.

I leave feeling dirty and self-repulsed some days, 

Proud and honored the next.

Many people tell me they couldn't do what I do regularly..

If they found themselves spraying off a urine soaked wheelchair pad or listening to Edna inquire about the date, for the third time in an hour...to put it delicately... they would be either puking or pulling their hair out.

But I do this daily. 

I am the one left to wipe your mother's ass- because you are grossed out by her incontinence.

I am also the one who explains to her over and over why she can't call you when she is scared and lonely.

When tucking her into bed at night, saying a soft prayer for her slumber, she recognizes not my face, but yours. She smiles holding my hand and tells me how much she has missed me and how very proud she is of me.

Missed you-proud of you. Well I'm not. 

Might it surprise you to know that this is the part of my job I take pride in? The parts I honor and am honored  for. 

On the other hand they don't want me- they want you, mom, sister, husband, child...

Their Alzheimer's, car crashes, epilepsy, cancer, paralysis, and handicaps took away the things they could handle. And the one thing they needed was you. Where are you?

Don't make excuses like, "They don't even recognize me anymore." They do, it's in their eyes.

"She is too hard to look at." So are you.

"He was a horrible father...why should I give him the time of day?" We are all human, he did the best he could with what he was given!

Other days I feel repulsed and awful-a true intruder, a violator.

After a straight week of refusing his shower he is dripping with sweat, dried urine, and old food fragments.

He is going to take a shower tonight...he is 'ok' until it's time to wash his intimate areas.

You offer him the wash rag and he says he can't...he needs you to do it.

Like you have done one hundred times before, with him and tons of others over the years.

He still doesn't want you to do it, but it has to be done. He can't afford another yeast infection...another rash.

You wash him and all the time he is looking at you like you raped him. Like you want to hurt him...

A few tears streak down his face and you are as gentle as possible, but it doesn't help you know how violated he must feel.

I don't blame them, I would react the same if not worse. 

I walk to my car and bawl on my lunch break. Disgusting.
He has seen me everyday for two years and I am still a stranger every hour.

Dear God, please let them forgive me- forgive the world.

Word-....Vomit?-Puke?-Ralph?-Upchuck?-Throw-Up?-Regurgitation?-Abomination?...

I think
I have a duplicate somewhere, sharing things I never would share and caring for people who never did care.

Or maybe they cared once, but forgot in over time, like a wound drenched with lime..like a charred unsolved crime. And I pray everyday that my clone, just a drone of a clone, goes away.
                                   That she looses herself, like a book on a shelf- in a house without help.
But I know very well she won't settle, won't swell, she won't leave I believe, she is here to receive- love that's owed by the toad of a man that she loathes. So unknown by the ones long ago.
For once he too was a child- just a boy, no direction, no ploy.
No means to be coy, no dreams to deploy, no hurt to instill, and no woman to thrill. And once he used to pray-to pray not to be gay, for the bible that lay on his table at bay- just screamed at the gay to end sin and delay their unsavory gay!
...So the boy-now a man, came up with his plan to marry my drone of a clone. Once an original clone, a human girl clone...a girl named "Me".
And now I am here trying to decipher this awfulness-this nasty awfulness, sitting in my white dress wishing Me would hear my call of distress, and agree with no rest, that for sure he had blessed us with treacherous zest- of woman married at best, to a gay-without say, without knowledge or pay.
I'm a conundrum today wouldn't you say?
Touche.

Lazy Eye

Took my second nutrition exam today...after the fact I realized I got answers wrong because I neglected to recheck or reread a question/answer and got questions I knew the right answer to...wrong. It's only October and my motivation is dwindling to nothing for biology...I am studying again tonight for it but the more I study it the more confused and lazy I become. blahhhhh

Honorable Service?

What does it mean to have honorably served our country? I'm not being sarcastic, I really wanna know! I met a guy today in the Inkwell club and he was going on about PTSD and counseling and being scared of finding out whom he really is and if he can handle himself. He mentioned soldiers commiting suicide and his disabilities or injuries and recounted a few stories about children with guns and grenades...but that he wouldn't take away a minute of it. He voluntarily enlisted and would do it again. He was so proud!
Am I missing something? Last time I checked suicide, ptsd, and being chased through the sand by a 7 yr old with an AK-47 didn't sound like the poster child of a good time. So yeah I need to hear that missing piece, I need to hear what about all of that made you feel worthy of pride and honor. Where was the good? What did you do for our country? Better yet what did you do for their country? Simply following orders? Avenging the death of those murdered on 9/11 by murdering others?
I don't get it...
I called my friend Ashley, she went to West Point and she told me the most worthwhile moment was when her team sheltered a group of small Afghanistanian children to their school, because the route was riddled with bullets... I thought, "Hey that's pretty amazing, you gave those children an opportunity to education in an area where the walk was the hardest part of getting the grade."

So solders, when you speak of your service, why don't you enlighten us citizens of what you are proud of. Because from where I'm standing, war just sounds like families losing families. But that can't be true.

Sigh of Relief

My nutrition teacher, whom also happens to be Nickala's mom..small world, assigned us a 10 day nutrition journal. A tool to help students learn about their specific diet and what changes cold be made about our diets using the info she teaches in our class. I think the most relieving thing about this strange family connection/coincidence, is that I now know a little more about my teacher's lifestyle and that she probably won't be as judgmental about my vegetarian lifestyle as I had originally feared.
Not that Mrs.Moody seemed judgmental...actually she is very kind and humorous and empathetic. But the Midwest is a different culture, as I have mentioned before, and I was really worried some of my instructors would be weary if they discovered through various assignments or discussions that I am relatively an oddball here in MN/ND.
But my teacher has visited the Amazon! ...and her daughter is alot like me. So...maybe this journal won't be so nerve racking after all. :)

Lose. Lose.

I can't fight you, if you don't want to win. And dear with so much at stake, can you afford to be so passive?
Cutting our things into halves, like perforated memories. Meanwhile I am jabbing a knife to a place that, I didn't know could hurt you. But it will hurt you, too. I promise.

Broke As They Come...

They say money is the root of all evil...so you wanna give me yours?

I am trying to sell my vacuum, my A/C, my exercise bike, my books, my spare room...anything for some cash.

I just can't keep up with these health bills.

: (::::::::::::::::::...::::.......

Eat.Sleep.Shit.

Hours come in large splatters across the calendars,

White spaces in between are meant for us,

But you are always gone and far from coming.

Replacement fog drifts in the fill between,

A dream from the dreamer's blank screen,

A hope to pass the time from humming things.

Keep faith someday he will return to bring,

Keep faith the halting line will someday ring,

Keep faith knowing faith is burdening the being.

Am I Crazy Or...

Does Helen Hunt and Jodie Foster look IDENTICAL?

Ready To Run...

I really wanna go home.
My mom is visiting this week...which is nice but it still just reminds me of what I'm missing, by being here in North Dakota.
I think it is time to transfer to a new university.

On the plus side, I got a new fridge!

Poem from the Past...

I stumbled upon this poem from my creative writing class portfolio, it was the only one I submitted that I hadn't written during the course. I know my teacher considered that cheating, but it was from the diary of fourteen year old Brittany. A little girl at the time, who found the sensational clarity of divorce, amidst violent verbal abuse. Although revised, the main message remains.I hope that someday maybe someone else will stumble on it, and in doing so catch themselves. Enjoy.

Father is Ordering Tears, Instead of Empty Beers

Is anyone still calling,
For my tears that won't stop falling,
Because I feel that I can't stop them on
My own.

My tears are being ordered,
By a man that has me cornered,
Somehow I have the notion
He will drown.

Someday he will notice,
Walk away and never show us,
What it means to drink my tears
And wear a crown.

What he doesn't know,
Is that his tab will always show,
And in the end I never ever
Let him down.

-Brittany Ricco

Oopsy Daisy

So...my laptop crashed and I lost all of my writing. 

My heart, my soul, and countless hours of revision/hand cramps. I have been so busy tapping away that I forgot to use my flash-drive to save the files, damn it!
My husband says that this is an opportunity to rewrite all of it...he says the second time around I can add new detail and I won't be so hung up the original phrasing...since I won't remember how I worded it previously.
I'm not so sure.
It's days like these that I feel so overwhelmed with love for him.
He has so much faith in me, even when I feel I don't deserve it.
Can I really recreate it all?
Now I'm wishing I had submitted more to the Inkwell Journal, supposing my classmates liked the submissions, I would have a hard copy to work from...a reference. But I am so scared of rejection that I just submitted one poem, knowing they had to accept at least one of each author's submissions.
Now the battle is finding the money to buy a new laptop before I forget every little insufferable detail.

*             *              *                 *
In better news, Kyle and I spontaneously decided to go camping this weekend. We went to Lake Bemidj State Park...(i think that's how you spell Bemidji anyway).

We had such a nice time! I absolutely love camping and being submersed in nature. It is when I feel closest to God...away from all of the skyscrapers and strip malls.There was just so much wildlife to be seen, frogs and chipmunks and hummingbirds, oh my! :)
We also canoed past a set of Loons...the bird I mean! They were so beautiful! I think it is strange how the wildlife here in the Midwest differs so from that of where I grew up. Are there even slugs here? What about Spitbugs...the ones who leave globs of foamy saliva on the tall grass during the early morning. Where are the caterpillar nests hiding in the trees, just waiting to explode with tiny, fuzzy bugs?
Either way, I think we both really needed to get away from the stress of our apartment. Neither of us can ever seem to relax, until we are forced to. Hahhaha! If we can get cell reception to pay our surmounting bills...there is no fun to be had.
I think the camp was a little too sparsely vegetated  for my taste...meaning we could hear and see everyone else in there unnecessarily bulky RV Trailers from our tiny orange Walmart tent. Also the lake was actually a pretty lengthy walk from our campsite. But overall I think we had a great time.

I ALMOST FORGOT THE BEST AND WORST PARTS!
Worst: Despite the four years of canoeing I did as a kid at Camp Arnold, (due to my childhood crush on "Bear" the canoeing instructor),for lack of a better word, I flipped shit as soon as our canoe got out into the center of that lake. How did we out so drift so far?! The wind tossed our canoe around and our paddling just rocked it more...all of the sudden life vests seemed like a much better idea even with a $4 fee. My heart was racing and tears flooded my eyes...I was a grown woman, screaming at every wave, like a five year old on a roller-coaster  I was terrified.
TERRIFIED.
Kyle was trying to calm me down...the coast guard was trying to calm me down from the shore...my logic was trying to calm me down...but nothing helped. Worst hour of my life since I passed that pancreatic stone in March. Poor guy rented us a canoe for $10 and only got to use it for 1 hr.

Best: On Saturday night I am woken up to Kyle unzipping our tent in a rush, snagging it every few inches on the surrounding material, flashing a beam of light in and out of my eyes, whispering in the hurried, tired slur of a man at 2 am. Kyle was woken up to a crackling noise in our camp. He heads out and the chase begins. Something or someone has something of ours and is running up the bathroom trail...(oddly, yet specifically labeled by the campsite as, "Toilet")??? Anyhow, the noise stops and he returns to the tent. I have already passed back out.
In the morning we inspect our camp for the missing mystery item. But everything seems in order...then we think ok maybe an animal...but we packed up all of the food in the car right? Wrong. We for got the bin of honey roasted peanuts. And as it appeared so had our furry friends. We spotted the container, brutally gnawed and scraped up by little squirrel feet, half way up the toilet trail. Kyle has chased the peanut bandit into the woods....hahahhah! They must have scarred the crap out of each other. Here Kyle is suspecting a luter, with our camera or something and it's really a little scavenger looking for a late night snack, about to be attacked by some crazed "hunter" in the woods.
Little scavenger vs. Potato Chip:

Good times.

 PS: Can you tell who takes the photos? Since they are mostly of Kyle...I'm sure you can imagine. lol

Wish Me Luck

I start my new job today!
I hope I do well and that I can figure everything out with the minimal training I received.
I hope I make lots of new connections with the people I am sent to help.
So, wish me luck!
I always feel like a fumbling fool when I don't exactly what to do..it seems like everything that can go wrong does.
Maybe not today.

:)

Inner Strength or Caffeine High? Who cares!

3.67GPA! Not bad if I do say so myself. It's not a 4.0 but if you had seen my high school average, you too would be proud.
Dear God, thank you for helping me muster the strength and caffeine to get a B in college algebra, and the strength to make to caffeinated beverages, and lift the cup to my mouth at midnight along with a pencil to paper.
Thank you for giving my husband the strength not to strangle me in to morning, when I no longer had any strength to be patient.
Thank you, dear Lord, for the strength it took to go to work all night long and still have enthusiasm for my elderly residents and classmates in school.

Amen

Devil's Advocate

Have you ever heard the phrase, "God works in mysterious ways"?
Well even as common a phrase as this might be, many of us still seem astonished when he follows through!
By 'he' I mean God, of course.
That whole "he never closes one door, without opening another"...true story.
Our good savior knew my heart and he knew what I could handle, even when I had no idea.
This devil's advocate...bullied me into a corner.
I had to choose whether or not to tempt fate and pull my big guns out like a misbehaving child...or simply to wait it out and take the highroad.
When I saw her weave bouncing in the wind with her high heels on in a school where no one cares with that sassy look on her size 0 pants owning face..I almost lost it.
I ALMOST LOST IT.
But there ain't no rest for the wicked.
This sorry excuse for a human being spread countless rumors about me, much at my poor supervisor's dismay. When threatened with termination she pulled the race card. She snaked her way into the minds of my co-workers and started a one woman battle.
NO I DID NOT STEAL EGGS FROM THE KITCHEN.
In fact I have spent hundreds of dollars on the residents I care for at my job, everything from slippers to cholesterol lowering cheerios. I do not steal.
NO I AM NOT A LESBIAN.
Gay pride, yes. But no I am not a lesbian. I have been married to a handsome man for some time now. He has deep brown eyes and sweet summer freckles and the finest ass I have ever seen.
My first, my last, my always. I do believe in equal rights and love across the genders. Who cares? Pursue happiness! Live life! I am not ashamed to say that many of my family and closest friends are gay, bi-sexual, lesbian, or trans-gender.
Get over it!
NO I DO NOT STOOP!
I literally did not respond to a single one of the harassing text messages sent to my phone. Nor did I respond to the countless threats. And you know what happened?
I got an AMAZING job offer from an in-home care service. You lost your job and reputation.You are promiscuous. You are a liar. You are racist. You are close minded. You are anti-American.You have a restraining order keeping you from using your medical degree. You lose.

Thank God for giving me the strength not to knock your teeth into your stilettos Miss Kamara.

A Lesson to All Men and a True Story

"Moreover I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am a permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, i will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts(in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.
I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been."

-Eat, Pray, Love by E. Gilbert, page 65, paragraph 3, bead 22

Take a hint...

Why on earth did I want a science degree in the first place?!
I guess you don't always see things clearly when you are in the situation, as you do when you are watching the car crash.
(and NO that is not a reference to Jersey Shore!!!)
My friend pointed out some very intriguing personal facts last week.
All of which pertained to my degree selection...
1. I am awful at math...
2. I can't remember a thing from high school science
3. I day dream way too much
4. I read all the time
5. I look up words in the dictionary for kicks
6. I enjoy peer edit, thoroughly
7. I keep a daily journal
8. If all of my classes were english related I would have a  4.0 gpa...
9. I love people
10. I love to talk
11. I was a teacher's assistant to all of my english teachers in high school...

Fuck It...I am changing my major.
I will fight until MLA is my second language and speech is considered "me time"....

Cute

My boss gave me a fifty cent raise for one paycheck...then revoked it the next.
Did I do something wrong? No I earned it.
"Pay cuts", she explained.
So she cut my raise.
Cute while it lasted...?

J. Dahlen...

My creative writing teacher is going to Seattle, Washington...my home.
I am more than jealous, everytime I go there I fall in love.
I hope she sees past the clusters of criminally insane drivers/tourists and instead absorbs the old city for what it is.
A community. A melting pot of every person and every belief and every destination.
I hope she sees the mist over the Puget Sound at sunset off of a ferry boat.
I hope she puts a wad of gum under Pike Place Market.
I hope she eats a lavender delight at Cupcake Royal.
I hope she too falls in love.

FML

I am moving to a new apartment this month! It has two bedrooms so Kyle and I will have more space for our growing possessions.
Also, we like the idea of having an extra "surprise room".
Mainly because I am the worst at taking my birth control on time and we both know it!
Why is it only my responsibility to keep us fetus free until after college?
Men.
Maybe I am careless or maybe I am excited to expand my family someday without the addition having whiskers or fins.
But I forget.
Is that weird?
Anyhow...this new place has carpet instead of the hardwood in our current apartment.
Goldmark wants us to get our cat declawed...which is painful and demeaning I feel.
Especially since my cat is house trained not to claw and never has.
So today I had the lovely task of attempting to put caps on my cat's claws.

Ouch.

One foot at a time I struggled to get a single cap on.
Finally I released Molly and she immediately took a dump on the livingroom floor.
As if to say, "Good Luck--Try again later bitch' and promptly galloped under the bed.

Pea Green Sofa Machine-$150

I am always trying to reinvent myself.
Some people grow bored of their hair color...
Some people grow bored of their job...
I grow bored of...me.
Sometimes I am set off by a season like fall.
Often times I am set off by an inspiring movie or an act of courage.
Very seldom, but at times in my life, I am set off by a song.
In this rare event I fell in love with "All I Want Is You" by Barry Louis Polisar.
As I delve into the harmonic melodies of dear Barry, I wanted to change.
So I...

• dyed my hair auburn
• purchased clothing in earth tones
• rescued a kitten
• painted my apartment cress green and burnt orange
• read several novels on elephant psychology
• became a monthly donor of PETA and WWF
• quit eating ALL meat
• watched documentaries/films on earth preservation
• weaved a basket out of bark
• bought organic rosemary lemon soap
• got a peace sign tattooed on my left hand
• added a pea green sofa to my furniture collection     

This last part is of most importance...I am now realizing that just because I want to be a less evil part of my whole world and community...doesn't mean I need to change everything about myself. Especially not my taste in furniture.
So if you are feeling like a tree huger today...buy my recycled pea green sofa machine for one-fifty obo.

A Quote Tailored For Muah

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”-A.Hepburn

[sigh]

Is this semester over yet?
I am so burnt out.
Maybe it's just math...or my job...but I need a breath of fresh air!
Nah Mean?

Flat Line-Another Day, Another Dollar

1 pm. Thursday March 17, 2011.
My wreathing back receives shock waves of heat and torment as I struggle to breathe. Sharp as knifes the pain punches up my esophagus from somewhere deep within my tummy. Beads of sweat excrete from every pore on my body. I can't take this pain anymore!
"HELP", I cry out in pure anguish!
I rip my shirt, exposing my bright red bra and unbutton my pants between the violent tremors. Kyle unrolls all of the windows in our 1997 Nissan Pathfinder LE. I don't care that my husband is screeching down the overpopulated University district, going seventy miles an hour with me half naked...just as long as we get to the emergency room ASAP!
Unrecognizable screams jolt from my craned neck. Am I going to die!? Is this what a heart attack feels like!?
I go through the symptoms, but only a few seem to fit:
Tingly limbs
Profuse perspiration
Chest pain
Stomach discomfort/Nassau
Temperature spikes
Back Pain
Vomiting
I can't think anymore, I have reached my threshold.
The car slams to a halt at the doors of urgent care at Altru.
Without thinking I scramble for the door, I crash land into the registration window, and muster out my allergies.
I collapse in terror...the waiting room is full of wide eyes.
Kyle enters the room and pulls my t-shirt on as a set of nurses pulls me up into a wheelchair. I scream out in agony, DON'T TOUCH ME! HELP! Everything hurts.
The embarrassed desk clerk wheels me behind the counter and begins her usual daily questioning...
Social Security Number? DOB? Any medications you are currently taking? Address? Telephone Number?
For God's sake why do you need my telephone number? I'm right here! She informs me that this is for billing purposes and I want to smash my fist into her crooked nose. WTF!
Too late for inhibitions, I defiantly thrash in my wheelchair and beg for sedation. I scream until my throat numbs and Kyle grabs my face in attention. He has had enough too. With a few choice words...involving chest pain and my sloppy medical history she finally rushes me to my own room.
Before I can blink I am naked under a thin blue gown covered in pokes and jelly.
A bald ultrasound technician massaging my stomach searching for an answer in my gallbladder, ovaries or appendix.
Another fellow got a urine sample and a rather attractive paramedic gave me an IV full of saline and morphine.
Morphine, like a cooling flame flooded my veins. I felt nothing more as in surged through my back, legs, and finally my head.

7pm Same Day.
Dr.Jeffrey Geddes explains that my stomach produced a build up of excess acid, it was burning my intestines, stomach, and esophagus. I force down water and spit the vomit out into the sink of the bathroom. My mouth tastes like copper. Like blood.
Pills rattling in my purse I make it home.
My mother seems hardly enthused as she listens over the receiver. No sympathy here. Not for my pain or my three thousand dollar bill.

America You Are Too Much!

Is anyone else omega impressed my the size of the Minneapolis' Mall of America?
Or am I the most juvenile twenty-year-old EVER?>(don't answer that)
Not only is the parking garage the biggest cluster-clot I've ever had the pleasure of being trapped in, but the mall itself was enormous.

Before I get ahead of myself...I wasn't even admitted into the Mall of America on first attempt.
I had decided that I would leave my wallet in my car because my husband had his in case we wanted to purchase anything and despite popular belief not all women enjoy carrying around huge purses everywhere they go while simultaneously trying to look through stores. Try fitting through an isle in a packed clothing store without knocking something or someone over...ugh.
The first thing the entrance security guard asked me for of course was my wallet/ID in accordance with the Minnesota State 4pm curfew.
Maybe in a few decades this will all be flattering but if I seriously look 16 years old...shoot me now!
In a desperate attempt to avoid the four story parking garage to fetch my wallet, I tried to convince her I was much older with no luck.
"Look at my tattoo! Look at my two-carat diamond ring! My husband's ID proves he is over eighteen...can he be my guardian?"
Too bad.
So after another twenty minutes of power walking in search for my vehicle in thirteen degree weather I was finally allowed to go inside.
Naturally when my red face arrived back I rammed my ID in the women's face as said,
"Is that all? Or do you need my social too?!"
She shot back at me, "About time!"
Honestly I do realize she was just doing her part to keep the children in her city safe but come on! Even the waiter at Olive garden gives me wine samples! And after the full body pat downs and body scans and demeaning luggage searches of the airport...I was done with security.
The real question is how many times did I get lost in the Mall of America?
Don't ask.
Let's just say I didn't leave at nine pm on purpose.
On the bright side:
Wow America you are too much! Looking over the indoor amusement park/shopping center/aquarium/movie theater/food court/ballroom from atop the Dorah the Explorer ferris wheel...an overwhelming sense of pride and inspiration overcame me.
The imagination and preparation and time it must have taken to design, build, and accommodate such a place astounds me.
From face painting, to five dollar all day locker rentals...from sharks, to forty-foot-tall Lego helicopters..
From Thai noodle bowls, to sequin underwear...Mall of America YOU ROCK! >well minus your security guards...
 

Not to Cast Stones...but Good Lord!

I try my hardest not to be judgmental...especially since the touchy topic of this blog entry is weight...but GOOD LORD! I am overweight, or as my Hispanic friend puts it, "a curvy chica".
I have consistently gained and lost wight my entire life. Usually this is sparked by emotional hazard.
When I am sad I can't eat a measly carrot stick. I cry and puke and wallow.
When I am in love however, or just satisfied in general, I tend to plump up like a spring chicken!
My bad.
But in my defense, I have been a vegetarian for well over four years now and I exercise regularly.
My main diet consists of nuts/granola, berries, dried fruits, vegetable/herb purees, tofu, legumes and my personal favorite...cheese and sesame wheat crackers.
I work in at least a 30 minute cardio most days on top of working twenty-five hours a week and taking ten credits at the community college. (I have lazy days too)
Oh and don't forget being married, a full-time position!(not in a nasty way- I just get overloaded) :)

TO THE POINT...

Despite my efforts I cannot seem to lose any of my "lovely lady lumps". I actually have gained five pounds since actively attempting to slim down a bit.
So today when I pop into Sam's Club to pick up some groceries and find a women just a little larger than me and her boyfriend who was quite a bit larger than both of us combined...it kind of pissed me off that their cart was full of Rice Krispy Treats, two boxes of bulk Pixie Stix, Ritz crackers, Fudge ice cream and of course Cheetos.
Why do I work my ass off to not work any of my literal ass off?
Ugh...she wasn't much larger than I and I wanted her to be enormous.
They aren't even trying to be a little healthy and I feel bashed knowing I am her size...I look like I eat Cheetos and Pixie Stix.
For example, my darling step-sister Alex is ninety pounds sopping wet and only and inch shorter than I...but she eats two cheeseburgers and a liter of regular Dr.Pepper all to herself in one sitting- ALL THE TIME.
Not fair.
What's the point...I feel like you should look the way you eat.
Then my husband would look like Fat Albert and I would be Jessica Alba...size wise anyways!
He is much more handsome than I could ever hope to be! (I guess my luck isn't completely mute)

Itchin' and a Twitchin' Feet

Spring break is just around corner and every part of me, right down to my grumbling toes, wants to runaway!
I need a break from Grand Forks, North Dakota in a bad way.
Somewhere warm, breezy and sweet.
My pocket book says otherwise...so for now I will just head to Duluth, Minnesota for a relaxing weekend with Kyle.
Better than nothing! Plus he always ends up surprising me with something catchy.
Wish me luck!
: D

Irritable Bitch Syndrome

Have you ever been in a nasty situation you couldn't rational your way out of?
That's exactly what renewing my apartment lease is like.
Not because I don't love my current apartment...I do love it!
Furnished with hardwood floors, a spacious dining and living room, and the quietest neighbors a college student could ask for... I love it!
But I find myself asking the question:
"What does it matter, when none of your family or friends can enjoy it with you?"
I can't go home because I am not a quitter, but I can't stay here either, it's much too far from home.
Central Washington University has a flight program opening up and that's only five hours from my hometown and Kyle could transfer there. SHOULD TRANSFER THERE.

But says he doesn't want to start all over at square one. Moving is costly and obnoxious.
But my behavior of resentment towards him for keeping me away from "my people" is awful.
Really awful. What do I do?!!!
On the upside, one of my subscribers commented some nice places to visit this summer, given the mosquitoes don't eat me alive. :)
Also I had a pretty fun time last night, some co-workers invited me to their apartment for cards and let me tell you! Four am is a pretty great time to finally snuggle into bed with my husband after being trapped like a paroled jailbird for eight months.
Great night! Those girls don't know who they were saving but I'm glad they did.
After all, my poor pillow can only take so much screaming into!

Home is Where the Heart is...1,524 Miles Away

Every birthday card I opened today made me sob.
I feel like a real ass making Kyle suffer today, after all, he is trying so hard to make me smile.
I turned twenty at 3:31 am this morning.
I wasn't crying because I mind getting older, I don't.
I wasn't crying because the cards were fake, they weren't.
Nope, I was crying because I miss everyone so much. I haven't seen some of my friends and family in a year.
I keep walking around the corner expecting to find my entire squad of friends and family waiting to surprise me, but knowing they won't be there. Its too unrealistic.
I really ought be celebrating today, but sometimes in life, you have to cry at a your own party.
The main issue for me is that my Mother always made every holiday, from April Fool's Day to Christmas a big deal.
She always says, "Life is too short Brittany Lynn, You have to make everyday a celebration".
She would cook all day and hang banners and wrap gifts and bring flowers to my classrooms.
So now, being an adult when holidays aren't explosive, I feel like something is going terribly amiss in my life.
Where was the birthday breakfast? Where were the giant hugs from Dad? Where were the cupcakes and balloons and the trips to the zoo and the non stop tears from Grandma?!
My whole heart is still sitting at Seattle's Seatac Airport, ready to run home.
Waiting for me to come back to claim it.
Nothing makes me happy anymore, my friends and family made me who am..who I was.
A generally happy and enthusiastic young woman with a spark for adventure.
Now? A mopey girl, stuck in a flat wasteland full of camouflage and beer bottles.
I am trying really hard to trick my husband into the facade that I can make it here another three years, but I guess  some of us have just lost our poker face.
If anyone knows of anything fun to do besides the bar, hunting, fishing and hockey...please let me know asap.

It All Evens Out

I’d hate one hundred bad days,

All the things that make me blue.

But I’d love one hundred kisses,

Long as they were from you.

<3

Queen Molly and Me

Walking into PaddyWhack pet supply in Mill Creek...I never imagined we would come home a family of three.
Upon entering the store me and my husband had frequented over the years, all of the familiar smells of catnip and rubber chew toys filled our noses. We began waltzing around, looking through the puppy sweaters and organic rabbit pellets, taking in an animals lovers' heaven.
My deep passion for animals began as a small girl, from reading the pet ads in the free newsprint at the library to wielding a young dragonfly in a large fruit bowl back to health, I couldn't get enough.
It is probably no surprise that I am taking courses in Zoology and Animal Psychology. Nor was it a surprise to me and my husband when we laid eyes on Molly, that we would be adopting her.
Three cats sat curled up and caged in between dog collars and automatic pet feeders.

Although Molly seemed to be the most suspicious and awkward feline in the bunch...she had a story more promising and auspicious than that of an prodigy orphan.

Her file read as follows: 

"Miss Molly is our resident queen, and at sixteen years old, she's allowed to be! Turned into the shelter because she "couldn't deal with change", this confident kitty couldn't disagree more! She has impeccable health, and doesn't look or act a day over six. She loves to have her face rubbed, and catnip is a bonus. Molly is a typical tortie, full of zest and has no problem letting you know what she wants. She is not fond of other cats or dogs, and would like to be in a quiet home where she can spend her retirement years in comfort and excess, like a queen should be treated!"

Need I say more? Those big emerald eyes held more than personality, they held a story...Molly had not been living in excess or comfort...she had been going from organization to organization in search of a family.

Fifty dollars and a jar of tuna fish flakes and she was in our back seat purring.

It was as if she knew her journey was over and a new beginning awaited her.

Its been a little over a year now since we adopted Molly and joined by her little brother Oliver, she has lived a lovely and relaxing life in our small apartment.

However...now I am faced with something every pet owner must comes to terms with...Death.

Molly not only was diagnosed with arthritis in her hips, but has also become quite incontinent.

Dribbles of urine and feces litter our kitchen every morning and though I have kept up on her pain medication I begin to wonder if I will ever have the courage to face a fast coming fact.

Her life here with us on earth is coming to an end.

How do I cope? How do I know whats best for her? I wish she could talk for half a second...do you want me to end this or let it run its course, Molly?

Always Darkest, Before the Dawn

When you look back and reflect on your life, sometimes reminiscing about life changing moments verses the best or worst times is a great way to truly appreciate where you are now in life.
Not only physically but also morally.
Today I remembered a dark time in my life, my Mother had just divorced my Step-father and I had broken off a long relationship with a very close friend.
In a moment of justified confusion and anger, I stormed out of my broken families new apartment into the rain and ran towards home.
Wherever it would find me.
I felt as if I could pound down the pavement of every city in America on my quest for HOME!
To my surprise I stopped short of three blocks, in a line of lamp-posts, one close was burnt out completely.
I felt the connection between the smoldering fire of emotions within my heart and the flickering bulb above me.
So I stood below it, long brown hair dripping with rain water, and cried.
I sobbed for my Mother. I sobbed for my little sister. I sobbed for my friends and my family.
I bawled for my cat. I bawled for my ex-boyfriend. I bawled for my classmates, just starting high school.
Mainly I cried for my own dwindeling self worth.
I had gained so much weight. Like every pore in my body held a five pound stone of unhappiness and doubt.
I whispered to nobody in particular, "what now?" before continuing my tear fest.
Just when I thought I would literally drown in salt and fog....the light above me turned on.
Steady this time, like a sign that even in the worst of storms can pass.
I was worth it. I would be ok.
Maybe not immediately but soon enough, I just had to be patient.
Flicker a little.
Here I am today. Thank God!

Is My Cooking Really THAT Bad?!

"...nothing is too much trouble if it turns out the way it should." -Julia Child

Kyle and I were sitting our living room waiting for my soyrizo rolls to finish baking...
When all of the sudden a literal glass shattering explosion sounded from the kitchen.
Either my cooking is awful...or the universe has it out for me.
Upon inching the oven door open, I realize that the glass dish I had set my soyrizo rolls in had completely burst into pieces all over the interior of the oven!
Why? Lord only knows.
The oven was only set to 325F after all.
Needless to say we seriously considered ordering Papa Johns instead.

Financial Fade

Does it seem a little strange to anyone else that financial aid comes several weeks AFTER the beginning of the semester?
That I have to purchase art supplies several weeks AFTER the class has begun?
Is the government trying to instill gratefulness into the students struggling to better their lives and recieve an education?
OH THANK YOU FOR THE MASSIVE DEBT THREE WEEKS LATE!
What would we do without you stafford loans?
It's phenomenal that one day my account is negative thirty, and positive four thousand the next.
Can't wait to start paying them off.
I think it would be rather intriguing to have school covered based on income, the people who can't afford it now probably won't be able to afford the loan payments either.
Maybe  that's why our country is trillions in credit card debt?
Nah!

My Six Quirks...

 Blogacize...
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post these rules on your blog
3. Tell about your six quirks, see below.
4. Tag three bloggers to do the same
5. Leave them a comment to let them know you’ve tagged them

Now for the story of the day....

My Six Quirks:
1) I wear red lipstick when I clean my apartment.  
When I was a little girl, my mother used to have me pretend that I was Cinderella, cleaning up for my non-existant spoiled step sisters, to make the horrid task of chores more...fun? Interesting, perhaps just less excruciating?
As an adult the lipstick tends to make me feel a little more dramatic and not so scrubby while I'm getting "down and dirty" of sorts. Let's just say it counteracts my sweatpants and rubber gloves! : D
2) I bite my fingernails.
Although it drives my husband mad, I cannot seem to stop tearing my fingernails off whenever one grows too long. Fingernail clippers scare me...I always feel like I'm going to cut too far back! Yikes! At least I don't use scissors like the main character's mother in "The Black Swan" . (in a theater near you!)
3) I collect random objects from places I've visited, as cheap memory markers.
Instead of buying overpriced snow globes of the Space Needle or shell necklaces from Hawaii, I just pick up 
something relatively small to remember the places I've been...I have a memory box half full of squished bottle caps, shells, buttons, traveling pamphlets, maps, keys, and even a decrepit pacifier! I'ts kind of like Ariel, the little mermaid, who has gadgets and gizmos and thingamabobs from the sunken ships of her underwater palace. Just not as romantic...but it does the job!
4) I make collages.
Using newspaper clippings I decorated several portable wood panelings in my apartment and also a few tabletops in collage. I love it! I even sold one to Zumiez (a popular skateboard and apparel franchise) Whenever I am stressed or feeling creative I whip out some glue and posterboard and go at it!
5)  I am a PETA fanatic...also a vegetarian of four years.
I adore animals with all of my heart! Especially elephants! The only hunting I approve is from people who eat the meat of their full grown kills and do not display the corpses in their homes as some form of barbaric decor. If you go out in camouflage with the intent to murder an innocent animal and leave it...I can only hope you meet the same fate.
I realize this will not make me very popular in the Midwest but I will not discredit my personal values and morals for friendship. However I am not pushy either...my husband eats meat and that's fine! It's his cholesterol not mine! Just don't expect to see me at Cabela's.
6) I collect "old" movies.
Such as The Blob, Breakfast at Tiffany's, It Happened One Night, Godzilla, Hometown Story, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Casablanca...So on. Black and white films are so enthralling to me! The heart and true acting of America's past time! Back then there was no video altering and false animation, people worked hard to be phenominal singers, dancers, musicians, and actors/actresses to get a chance on the big screen. Audrey Hepburn, James Dean, Elizabeth Taylor, Paul Newman, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart, Claudette Colbert and Clark Gable all knew that if you didn't have talent, you didn't have a chance, unlike today where any joe blo with a family connection or money can be on the big screen!
Can't sing? We'll do a voice over! Can't act? We hired a stunt man! Ridiculous. I encourage you to check an Original film out of a newer, remastered movie you love today...It might surprise you how great it is!


Well that's enough about me! Thanks for reading!

Why Do I Write...?

Uff Da! I'm sure everyone is so thoroughly intrigued to know, that the main reason I started this fantastic blog, is to satisfy my Creative Writing teacher's idea of online journaling...or something to that effect.
I have to recieve points somehow!
Hopefully though, I will gradually become more skilled and perhaps even inspired to blog...on my own.
Just an overview of me...B.Ricco. I recently moved to Grand Forks, North Dakota to follow my husband in his dream of becoming a commercial aviator. Since this particular state offers one of the most prestigeous Universities for aviation, we decided to move here in June.
Lucky me!
Hence my title "New Kid on the Block".
Coming to a relatively small town, trying to fit in with tight knit communities, much less finding a good sushi joint, has been an interesting experience.
Wish me luck!