Dwelling

People don't like sad people--it's hard to realize but my friends and family are getting pretty sick of the negativity. I can't be happy just so everyone isn't so uncomfortable with my depression. I need and want to be in a better emotional state but that won't happen overnight...or apparently after three months either.
I also realized that filling my head with tv and my laptop isn't going to help me cope-it's just going to postpone the "healing process". Every time I have a quiet moment he fills my head and then I literally just start crying my eyes out. I cry at least three times a day on average. Even typing that makes me so upset with myself! I wish I could fast forward through all of this but that's impossible! </3

Pfft,

I just want to find me again-I need to stop driving myself over cliffs and take a few feet back. I hate to leave all of this behind but I don't know if ignoring my feelings is such a great idea. I don't know if I can swallow moving on with all of the plans Kyle and I made for college here together-alone. I really hate being a quitter but maybe transferring home and finishing school there is the best idea. I know my family and friends will be proud of me either way but I know if I stay here and power through it they will be way happier. But if I'm miserable the whole time? I think Oregon is just a reminder of a dream Kyle walked away from. This duplex, the cats, the university..literally everything just reminds me of him or us. I know he will be with me no matter where I go but at least back home I will have my whole support system to keep me out of an emotional gutter. I want someone to take control and make my decisions for me because at the end of the day the only person I will have to blame is me. I guess I am an adult now and I just have to buck up and figure this out. Things would be so much easier when I had my better half. Sigh.
I want to get back to this.

Ruins

Warning: This is not a happy post. If you don't want to hear me vent or you don't want to feel the depression seeping through my sentences--click the little red box on the upper right corner of the screen. 

Nothing is helping. I've tried venting to friends/family, packing up his/our things, going on walks, listening to music, writing in my diary, visiting home, having people from home visit me, eating too much, starving myself, crying, screaming, moaning, sleeping, smiling, everything. 

My mind, heart, or what the fuck ever isn't accepting the reality that he's gone. I just keep trying on and on like this zombie woman. I put on a damn face for the bank tellers, the co-workers, the grocery clerk. Smile, "I'm doing great! How are you?" , smile again, pretend to listen, vaguely respond, turn around and frown. 

I wanted to delete our photos from online/phone/home, just to get a fresh start I guess. But we've been we for so long I'd have to delete the whole thing. Every place, every photo, everything. It's a memory of us, him, we, our...it's a slap in the face'a tear down my cheek. 

The worst part is that even when I try, I mean I honestly almost believe myself, to be angry at him-I can't. He's so nice, he's so smart, he's so thoughtful, he's so handsome, he's so charismatic, he's so lovely. He's gone. I mean, yeah he isn't perfect and he's said/done some things I'm sure he regrets but I can see his point. 

He's human after all and he did his best to love me the very best he could. 

The most frustrating part about all of this is that no matter how much I beg and cry I can't change a damn thing. He is moving on. He is moving on? Oh god this is too much. I try to be the best I can. I study hard, I do things for other people, I'm a good wife. I don't need someone to tell me I'm a good person, it's a fucking fact. But here I am at the end of the day all alone. My car got hit AGAIN. I'm broke STILL. I'm lonely and bored and unmotivated to live anymore. 

I guess I'm suicidal, I'm not trying to scare anyone or be dramatic. I don't think I'm brave enough to do anything about it, but I just sit here and I wish I didn't have to feel anymore. Ok, I KNOW I'm not brave enough. I think about how it would tear my family/friends apart if I killed myself. I wish I could die in a fluke accident like these school shootings. Why do these poor happy people have to die and I get my life and it's a waste on me. Am I just here to help other people? Am I just here? 

I miss you Kyle, 

I love you so much and I'm sorry for anything I ever did. I'm sorry I made you go to bed early when I had to work early in the morning. I'm sorry I didn't go to that concert. I'm sorry I accused you of cheating after that party. I'm sorry I made you drive all the time. I'm sorry I complained about bills and chores and living in North Dakota. I'm sorry I didn't watch more scifi. I'm sorry I didn't chase more tornadoes with you. I'm sorry I gained so much weight. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel unappreciated or unhappy. I'm sorry I'm not enough anymore and that I have to make you feel guilty for leaving me. Whatever it is I'm sorry.

Can you just come back now?

Please...

..

.