I'm not sure if it is supposed to be this way or not. Are relationships about sticking together and being comfortable and doing your best to make it through all the obstacles life has to throw your way? Or is it about finding that person that makes life's obstacles seem like no big thing? Sometimes I feel like the first is settling, like there is someone or something better out there and it shouldn't be this hard. That brings me to the second option-which seems too romantic and delusional to me at times. Is there really a prince charming out there somewhere? Or is there just a regular guy doing his best and yeah,arguing along the way.
Sometimes I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, I have an attractive, kind, motivated husband. But sometimes, like when my mother visits and tells me that we bicker too much and it drives her insane to even be around us, I feel like maybe we are holding each other back from great things/ happy ever after.
Does that even exist? I know relationships are never easy, but at what point do they become too much work? Is it like when you meet "the one" type of deal where you just wake up and know they are not Mr. Right? Am I expecting too much to want dishes done and flowers outside of February 14th? Is that just a womanly fantasy, a myth? I wish I knew...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Have We Met...?
I think it is so rude and awkward when someone you know pretends they don't know you when you see them in public after a long time. I recently ran into a guy from the creative writing class I took, at a restaurant and he acted like I was a weirdo for calling him by his name. He looked at his name tag like that's where I got it from.
Then tonight at Walmart I was in the parking lot and an ex-coworker from Starbucks and her fiance looked right at me and then got very quiet and kept walking like she had no idea who I was. I could tell by her expression she didn't want to acknowledge me at all. Which is odd to me because we were becoming quite friendly almost to the point of hanging out outside of work several times before I had to quit.
Let me tell you it is way less awkward to have that whole, "How have you been? What are you up to now? Well have a nice day and take care" conversation than that "just glancing around looking at nothing in particular pretending to be busy" act.
8C
Then tonight at Walmart I was in the parking lot and an ex-coworker from Starbucks and her fiance looked right at me and then got very quiet and kept walking like she had no idea who I was. I could tell by her expression she didn't want to acknowledge me at all. Which is odd to me because we were becoming quite friendly almost to the point of hanging out outside of work several times before I had to quit.
Let me tell you it is way less awkward to have that whole, "How have you been? What are you up to now? Well have a nice day and take care" conversation than that "just glancing around looking at nothing in particular pretending to be busy" act.
8C
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Dave's Sentence
I wish I could make it all better, make it go away. Or at least I wish I knew how to react-to comfort or release them from their pain, but I'm just a kid with only so many hours in the day and only so much patience. I hate to admit the truth-but I'm tired.
Some days are great, Dave and Phyllis or "Philly" laugh and reminisce about vacations to Las Vegas or tell stories about their children. But eventually even these days turn sour as Philly realizes those days are over and soon enough she'll have to remember for the both of them. Most days are a constant uphill battle of the reality that Dave has a death sentence. She busies herself with chores that are already done, bills that are already paid, and sends Kyle and I to get groceries for her already bulging cupboards. Philly always has a list of errands for me; walking her toy poodle two times a day has turned into four or five. Prescriptions need to be filled twice as often-meanwhile the full bottles stack up in the pantry. Cigarettes and Wendy's salads are always a daily necessity. Oh and forget sleeping before you make every bed in the house and rewash the laundry he only wore for an hour tops and passed out again from exhaustion.
She fills every ear that passes her with Dave's newest-yet expected-ailment. The mailman, the neighbor, the in-laws, the drive-through attendant, the doctors, and me. Another tumor, another blood clot, another prescription, a new type of radiation. Cigarettes and salad.
They burst into tears and plan how she will live once he's turned to ashes. So morbid and I have run out of things to say. I guiltily sit on their sofa in a cloud of cigarette smoke and blue cheese dressing in complete uncertainty of what to say. I'm sorry? I'll pray for you? It'll be ok? Nope.
I've never seen two people so in love and so desperate to have one more day-even if it's all just doctors appointments and chemo.
I wish cancer would get cancer and die!
Some days are great, Dave and Phyllis or "Philly" laugh and reminisce about vacations to Las Vegas or tell stories about their children. But eventually even these days turn sour as Philly realizes those days are over and soon enough she'll have to remember for the both of them. Most days are a constant uphill battle of the reality that Dave has a death sentence. She busies herself with chores that are already done, bills that are already paid, and sends Kyle and I to get groceries for her already bulging cupboards. Philly always has a list of errands for me; walking her toy poodle two times a day has turned into four or five. Prescriptions need to be filled twice as often-meanwhile the full bottles stack up in the pantry. Cigarettes and Wendy's salads are always a daily necessity. Oh and forget sleeping before you make every bed in the house and rewash the laundry he only wore for an hour tops and passed out again from exhaustion.
She fills every ear that passes her with Dave's newest-yet expected-ailment. The mailman, the neighbor, the in-laws, the drive-through attendant, the doctors, and me. Another tumor, another blood clot, another prescription, a new type of radiation. Cigarettes and salad.
They burst into tears and plan how she will live once he's turned to ashes. So morbid and I have run out of things to say. I guiltily sit on their sofa in a cloud of cigarette smoke and blue cheese dressing in complete uncertainty of what to say. I'm sorry? I'll pray for you? It'll be ok? Nope.
I've never seen two people so in love and so desperate to have one more day-even if it's all just doctors appointments and chemo.
I wish cancer would get cancer and die!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Pilgrims- June 26, 2012
The great move is coming and I get more and more excited EVERYDAY!
I can't wait to have a better room mate who respects me and is friendly and reasonable. I can't wait to enjoy the ocean again, and the clean water and fresh rivers and mountains. I can't wait to eat veggies and fruits that haven't been shipped or frozen! I can't wait to see my family more often and start couples yoga! I can't wait to begin working on classes for my major! I can't wait to find a job I want to be at for more than a week! I can't wait to have rain on a weekly or daily basis! I can't wait to go to co-ops, Trader Joe's, and Ross! I just LOVE the Pacific Northwest with ALL of my heart and everything it stands for-the idiots, the hippies, the tightwads, the vegetarians, and the nerds and the beach bums.
I am so grateful I had the experience to live in the Midwest-I met a few amazing people, I tried a few new things, I saw my first flood/mini tornado, I ate my first Chipper, and I adopted Oliver-the love of my mommy life! Most importantly I learned who I am and who I am not and to be grateful everyday for the culture I was raised in and the freedom as an American I have to move and get an education wherever I please.
Peace Out!
I can't wait to have a better room mate who respects me and is friendly and reasonable. I can't wait to enjoy the ocean again, and the clean water and fresh rivers and mountains. I can't wait to eat veggies and fruits that haven't been shipped or frozen! I can't wait to see my family more often and start couples yoga! I can't wait to begin working on classes for my major! I can't wait to find a job I want to be at for more than a week! I can't wait to have rain on a weekly or daily basis! I can't wait to go to co-ops, Trader Joe's, and Ross! I just LOVE the Pacific Northwest with ALL of my heart and everything it stands for-the idiots, the hippies, the tightwads, the vegetarians, and the nerds and the beach bums.
I am so grateful I had the experience to live in the Midwest-I met a few amazing people, I tried a few new things, I saw my first flood/mini tornado, I ate my first Chipper, and I adopted Oliver-the love of my mommy life! Most importantly I learned who I am and who I am not and to be grateful everyday for the culture I was raised in and the freedom as an American I have to move and get an education wherever I please.
Peace Out!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Today and Everyday-it never goes away!
A Youth and a Yearning
Starving in all paths of the word,
This baby-eyes curse eats me alive.
Thriving and then shriveling up again,
Never satisfied.
Don’t be unfair to me world,
You ought to know by now why I am this way.
Why I am so selfish for human touch and valid experiences,
Like a settlement I feel entitled to as time progresses.
Almost cruelly you pass life out in solid, withering increments.
Never enough.
I crave the lump sum,
A real and genuine life all for me and no one else!
Can you manage?
Friday, March 23, 2012
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